I was sitting alone in my parents' car after seeing The Imitation Game (a movie) at Rosedale (a mall) on Saturday night. The huge parking lot was nearly empty. Only a few other people were wandering back to their cars. And I thought, "What a gift it is to be sad and lonely." I found a pen and fished the notebook out of my backpack to capture that melancholy. When I used to luxuriate in sadness, I would scold myself for mocking the despair of others. But now I understand the privilege of sorrow.
The worst feeling in the world isn't pain; it's nothing. Because then you are all alone. You're no longer a member of the human race. You're on your own. You're bereft and cast off, left to tumble through the void without an anchor, without any bearings, so you have no idea how far you've fallen. At least with pain you know what you want to do and where you want to be. When you're numb, you have no desire to do anything or be anywhere.
Do you know what it's like to be so overwhelmed by pain that your heart just shuts down? Do you know what it's like to be so afraid of your feelings that your mind won't let you feel them anymore? Do you know what it's like to be driven insane by your own brain? It's taken a lot for me just to get back to a baseline happiness that allows me to feel emotions normally again. And let me just say: It's good to be back.