I decided to take a nice, leisurely bike ride to the Mississippi River today. There's a lovely trail that follows Rice Creek through a wooded hollow from New Brighton to where it meets the river in Fridley. Or where I thought it did.
Due to construction, there was a detour I found somewhat difficult to follow. The route didn't seem to be taking me any closer to the river, until I realized the shocking truth. This is all that remains of the Mighty Mississipp':
Through internet research, I discovered that the Mississippi River ran dry over a century ago, shortly after the historian Frederick Jackson Turner announced the closing of the American frontier in 1890. What we've been led to believe is the Mississippi River is actually an open sewer system that funnels the waste of Mid-America into the Gulf of Mexico. Chemicals are pumped into the sewage at strategic locations to mask the smell and create the physical illusion of water.
This elaborate hoax was concocted by the nation's captains of industry to avert a Socialist revolution and the miscegenation that would surely result. With the active collaboration of the press and federal and state governments, America's leading industrialists oversaw the construction of a 2,320-mile-long concrete trench in the dry riverbed.
It was the greatest hoax ever perpetrated against the American people (until 9/11). But it's time people knew the truth. Fiat justitia ruat caelum. "Let justice be done though the heavens fall." That's what I say.
Nah, I'm just joshin' ya! Here are some river pix to ease your troubled minds: